Drew loved his wife more than anything else in the world. He saw her living in her pain and not being able to climb out. It had been three years since they saw their daughter Anna, and while he had an empty space in his heart he knew there was nothing else he could do. He thought to himself sometimes that he was a horrible father for pushing forward with his life, especially when he saw his wife dying a little more each day.
Drew spent his time making sure that his wife ate, showered, and smiled once a day. The latter was a little harder to accomplish on some days. Occasionally she would reach out to him in the night and they would find solace in each other. She could lose herself in him still but he knew when he looked in her eyes she felt like a traitor. He wondered what would become of her if he stopped taking care of her. Would she remember to do it for herself or would she hole up in Anna’s room and lay in the bed until she withered away?
Anna’s room. It was like a shrine to all the pain and tragedy in their life. He hardly ever went in there himself unless it was to look for Kinsey. One day, a year or so ago he caught his wife unloading a shopping bag in there. It was the first day of the new school year and Kinsey had bought an outfit for Anna, not knowing whether she would ever come home to wear it. It was sick in some ways, and he tried to get her to talk to someone. She refused.
Pulling himself out of his thoughts he rolled over in his bed. The clock said 4:45 a.m. No sense in waiting another forty five minutes for it to wake him up. He looked over at his wife, sleeping. It was the only time she ever looked peaceful. He would have taken a picture of her in that moment but decided against it, no need to wake her.
His gaze followed down her body, he needed her; this beautiful woman whom he had shared his life with for longer than he could remember. It was then that he noticed the bulge off her stomach under the covers. Shaking his head he leaned in gently put his hand on the comforter to see if it was a pocket of air. As his hand pushed down, her eyes fluttered open. “I was going to tell you today”.
Drew wanted to pinch himself, this couldn’t possibly be true. “I’m sorry…you were going to tell me what today?”
“I am pregnant”.
Tears came from both of them, his hurried questions leaving no time for answers. She rested a finger on his lips and said simply “I don’t know”. Never in their life had they had such conflicting emotions, excitement at the thought of bringing a new life in to the world, yet sadness for the child they had already raised but was gone.
He leaned in to kiss her but she turned her head just so and he caught her cheek instead. “We will figure this out, I promise you”.
Kinsey rested her hand on her belly. All she could think about was Anna. The day she found out she was pregnant with Anna it was magical. Would anything ever be the same again? Would she even be able to raise this baby the way it deserved to be raised? She hoped it was a boy, her heart ached to think of having another little girl, it would be like trying to replace Anna.
Hours later, sitting in the doctor’s office she kept looking over at her husband. She was watching his inner battle play across his face. A small smile would begin to creep out and he would straighten his lips. They had decided it was best to see the doctor as soon as possible. Kinsey had no idea how far along she was, or what the health of the baby was.
The doctor came in after what seemed like an eternity. “Hello you two, it has been a long time.” Kinsey nodded to him and laid back on the bed. Kinsey and Drew both knew that the doctor wouldn’t mention Anna; in fact it seemed as if no one did anymore.
“Well let’s check this belly out” he said as flipped the ultrasound machine on. The goo on Kinsey’s stomach was cold and strange feeling. She waited, almost holding her breath to hear what the doctor was going to say.
“It looks like you are about four months along. We will have to take good care of you…” Kinsey knew he was saying this because she was 41 years old. Maybe she wouldn’t even carry the baby to term…things like this happen all the time.
“There is your baby’s heart beat….and, as I was suspecting, there is the other one”.
© Ashley M. Nee 2012