emptiness

Treading Water


Say something

Anything

Fight me

Love me

But please don’t forget me

Don’t stop seeing me

Standing here

I am treading water

Stuck

Waiting

No way to move forward

With no way to get back

Back

To where we used to be

A different time

When I was so sure

That I was yours

And you were mine

© Ashley M. Nee 2013

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Drew and Kinsey Part 8


As Kinsey’s belly grew, so did her anger. What would happen with these two new lives? Would God be so cruel and take these children away from her too? She could barely look at Drew and when she did she could only blame him for all the misfortune that had fallen on them, and the two new lives she was not ready to care for. She was cold inside, and she knew that Drew could see it. Every day he backed further and further away from her. She wanted him to save her, but she couldn’t stop hating him. She was lost inside of herself, trying to dredge her way through to the outside, but for all she tried it just wasn’t happening for her. She was scared for the future; scared to think of what else life would lay on their plate.

She was about seven months pregnant when the other shoe dropped. Kinsey walked into the house and was ready to curl up under the covers. Drew was already in the bedroom grabbing his clothes off the hangars and piling everything on to the bed. “What are you doing Drew?” He jumped in his skin, so lost in his own thoughts he hadn’t heard her come into the room. “I was going to go to a hotel, but you’re so far along I don’t want you to have to do everything on your own….but it is pretty clear that you don’t want me here soooo I am moving into the basement apartment. I will be here if you need me, but far enough away you don’t have to see me”. The basement apartment had a small kitchen area, a bathroom and its own entrance. He turned to look at her, and for just a second he thought he saw fear cross her face. She cleared her throat, “Um…ok. I will let you finish up then”.

Drew watched her back as she left the room. He knew that despite all his hopes there was no other way the conversation was going to go. If a heart could really shatter in someone’s body, the pieces of his would be sinking into his stomach.

It wasn’t long before he had all of his important items gathered up. As he walked past the living room he saw Kinsey curled up on the couch sleeping. He grabbed the throw that hung on the back of the living room chair and gently covered her with it. He wanted so badly for her to be able to wake up and have the past few years be like a bad dream, but no amount of trying could help her overcome losing Anna.

The next month and a half seemed to creep by. Drew was there, just as he had promised, to help Kinsey with anything she needed. Slowly the guestroom became transformed into a nursery. The walls were a pale yellow and there was a wallpaper border with tiny giraffes to make the world seem like a happy place. Two cribs were placed side by side, with beautiful bedding. The time was fast approaching for two new lives to come into the picture.

A few days later Drew woke up to the sound of his phone. He rolled over and groaned…who would be calling at three in the morning? Before he could even say hello he heard Kinsey’s voice, breathless, on the other end, “It’s time”. Drew didn’t remember a time when he had ever moved so fast but it seemed only seconds later they were packed into the car and on the way to the hospital.

The babies came, beautiful each one, a boy and a girl. There were perfect, with ten little fingers and ten little toes. They both had full heads of brown hair and beautiful blue eyes. If only Kinsey was doing as well their life would perfect. The first time the nurse brought Asher and Harper to see their mom she rolled away from them and whispered that she couldn’t. The doctors had expressed their concern to Drew. This was not a healthy response to have towards children. Drew promised that he would care for them until Kinsey could ease back into motherhood.

Drew felt joy every single time he looked at Asher and Harper. He could see Anna in them and nothing made him happier. After the first few days of being home Kinsey asked if Drew could sleep upstairs and she could have the basement apartment until she was fully healed from her c-section. He obliged her, knowing that it was best that way. She did her best to interact with the babies but it was rare that she held them, nurtured them, and mothered them. If this couldn’t save her, nothing could.

© Ashley M. Nee 2012