love

Love Yourself Enough


If I could teach my daughter one thing it would be love yourself enough. My daughter is 7, but in my mind she is still a baby. I have noticed lately that she comes home more complaining about the kids at school not wanting to be her friend and how they make fun of her. The reality is that soon, too soon, I will be dealing with mood swings, teen angst, and her constant struggle to find her place in life. So if there is one thing I could teach her that she would carry with her always it would be to love herself enough.

I say “enough” because sometimes it takes that little bit of extra. I want her to love herself enough to know that she can do better, that she can do more. I want her to love herself enough to know that when everyone else around her is expressing hatred and unkindness that she can rise above. I want her to love herself enough to be secure in having two close friends and not 12 friends she can never count on and who talk about her behind her back. I want her to love herself enough to know she doesn’t need a boy to define her worth. I want her to learn from my mistake, because I learned this lesson much too late in life. I don’t want her to just love herself….I want her to love herself enough to make it through life and be happy with who she is.

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Remembering


pregnancy-loss-ribbon

Lately I have been thinking of the babies I lost due to miscarriage. These two little babies have been on my mind constantly for the past few days and I suppose that has pushed me to want to say a few things. I have three living children ages 6, 4, and 2. They are amazing kids, they push my buttons, but also push me to be the best person I can be. I have known many people who believe that because I have these 3 beautiful children my miscarriages shouldn’t really affect me. How I wish this was true.

Because I have these three awesome children I can’t help but think what those little angel babies would be like today. Would they be sassy? Mellow? Make me laugh? I wish I could know what their snuggles would feel like and what their first words would be. I will never hear their first cry, or be responsible for their first smile. I will never have to try to hide my tears on their first day of kindergarten or argue with them about cleaning their rooms.

I look at my children and while I hurt for the angel babies I will never know, I feel blessed to have the life I do. There are many women who never see their dream of a baby come to fruition and my heart aches for them. I wish with everything I have that they will know what it is like to love a child and have that child love them back.

I suppose the purpose of speaking out about this is to let people know that every woman who goes through a miscarriage carries those wounds on her heart forever. Carrying a baby in your womb and never meeting them takes a toll on anyone who has experienced it. So…be kind, be empathetic, and never devalue a person’s life experiences.

Just One Day


*I feel like I should preface this by saying that  had to kick start some creative flow today and so I ended up with this. I am posting this today in case I am too busy on Mother’s Day (doing laundry hahaha), so happy early Mother’s Day to all my fellow blogging mommies out there 🙂 Hope your day is blessed!!

 

The house was too quiet. There were no kids running past her door, or shushing each other so they wouldn’t get caught getting into all the goodies. There was no one jumping on her bed, and there were no sounds of little voices giggling as they hovered over her. This was surely a bad sign she thought to herself as she jumped up out of bed. She grabbed a lightweight robe from the back of her bedroom door and slipped it on and tying it loosely around the waist as she hurried down the hallway. She was still listening for noise, and growing more and more anxious as she continued to hear only silence. As she came into the kitchen, her eyes immediately settled on a piece of paper with familiar scribble. The piece of paper was a note from her husband.

Dear Abby,

            Happy Mother’s Day my love. I hope you were able to sleep in a little bit. I have taken the children for a fun day out. Please do not worry about cleaning anything or trying to do laundry. Enjoy the day and we will be back at 5:30 to pick you up for dinner. I love you and couldn’t ask for a better wife and mother.

Love,

James

Abby felt the smile all the way to her toes. Most mother’s days didn’t work out to be anything entirely special, between his schedule and hers. It had been so long since she had been away from their four beautiful children that at first she wasn’t sure what to do (or not do) first. There were a few dishes in the sink from last night and so she shrugged her shoulders and headed over to wash them up. There was a note taped to the faucet.

I am serious, unless you’re getting sustenance get out of the kitchen! Love you.

Laughing she decided to go take a nice long shower, uninterrupted by small people banging on the door and demanding use of the toilet. After she was done performing her live concert in the bathroom she toweled off and picked out a nice outfit to wear. Usually she donned a worn pair of yoga pants and a tank top while she was running around the house, no sense in destroying nice clothes! Back in the bathroom she pulled out her barely used makeup. She had small little wrinkles, probably only visible to her. Oh the joys of children, constant worrying that they are going to get hurt…or that you are causing what will inevitably be years of therapy.

By the time she was done in the bathroom she hardly recognized herself. This was the woman that existed before the husband, the kids, the house, and all the other responsibilities that came with growing up. Abby picked a book off the bookshelf, one that she had purchased not long ago, and at the time had full intentions of reading. For the next few hours she sat and read, it didn’t even matter at that point what the book was about only that she was able to focus on it for more than 5 minutes.

Abby loved her kids, would die for her kids. That did not mean that things were always easy, in fact they often were much harder than she ever imagined. Some days ended in tears (hers, not the kids), while others ended in a deep sense of pride. The truth of the matter was that she really didn’t do much of anything besides raise small children, and most of the time she was okay with that. She wondered if her husband had picked up on her heavy heart as of late and could see that she was struggling with what should have been the biggest blessing in her life…motherhood.

By the time five o’clock rolled around she had never been so relaxed, so clear headed. She touched up her makeup and hair and was ready to go when her husband pulled in the driveway. James left the kids in the car as he got out to hug his wife. “You look beautiful babe”. She smiled at him and hugged him as if her life depended on it. “Thank you so much for today. I really needed it”. He nodded and told her he knew how much she needed it, and he was thankful for all the hard work that she put into their family.

As soon as she slid into the front seat her kids were clamoring to tell her about their day. As they shared all of their funny stories from the day she laughed with them. Staring at her amazing family she realized sometimes it just takes one day, just one step back to give you the chance to enjoy life again.

© Ashley M. Nee 2013

Keeping you for a While


Barreling through

Break these walls down

Teach me how to feel

Bring love back around

 

Life is too short

And I don’t care if it is wrong

Happiness has stayed away

For far too long

 

I can only do little things

It seems so unfair

To have someone like you

Trying so hard not to care

 

You know just how to

Make me smile

I would do anything

To keep you for a while

 

And when the day comes

That you are gone

I will be content in knowing

I made you happy before you moved on.

© Ashley M. Nee 2013